Wednesday, 5 June 2013 , 08:42

⇨Suicide, when i'm not with you

For the umpteenth time today, i find myself staring at my ceiling counting down the hours and minutes till i fall asleep again. I am, possibly, shamefully, lovesick. I can't even differentiate the feelings and moods i've been having the past 2 days. It's like i was on drugs and suddenly forced to go cold turkey. And the worst thing is, I hate myself for being this depressed, moody and frustrated, and at simply nothing at all. Nothing. Everything's fine on the outside. But it's the inner turmoil which kicks me around, chews, and spits me out. It's a cruel cruel world in there kids. It's at times like these, I hate myself for being in love. Yes, I said it. If i weren't , what else could I have been doing with my life, how much less lovesick i would be, when he goes of to something as menial as a camp. I am absolutely revolted to confess this, and yet, it strangely calms me. People always say there's the honeymoon period of 1 year or 2 in a relationship before things begin to sour and go downhill, and finally, if you manage to make it through this rocky stage, you get to a plateau, which is happy and stable but which also has troubles of its own. So i'm constantly evaluating my relationship, to realise the moment i step into the sour patch, so i can brace myself for the fall and hopefully, boulder through it. So while i'm still riding the wave of the honeymoon period, i have realised that i have stopped looking. I've found my corn and i hope to stick to it as best i can, but, at the same time, not like a parasite. I would hate to be seen as a clingy girlfriend, or one who needs to spend all my waking hours together with my guy. I want more of a partnership, where we both realise we can life separately, but due to mutual happiness and comfort and friendship, we agree to stick together. And i do want to be a mature woman who is capable of dealing with temporary separations, and not succumb to feelings of anxiety, jealousy and frustration, like a girl would. Unfortunately, my head works separately from my heart, and quite possibly, my head itself. It's forcing me to think about things i don't want to think about every waking moment, and i am trying so hard to keep my composure and not let the thoughts ruffle my feathers. Think to myself: I am not clingy. I don't need to talk to him every night, I don't need to check up on what he's doing every few hours. And sometimes i just wish we couldn't even text, cos that just makes things that much worse, since i have to keep pretending to be fine when im not, or subtly drop hints of being really upset, when i'm supposed to want him to enjoy his time there, make lots of friends, and hopefully not someone else he'd rather spend his time with, other than me. And i do realise i am a tad insecure, and i am consciously trying not to think of it. Trying instead, to find out where all this stems from. A previous relationship, possibly? or the numerous romance movies i've watched over the years. Or maybe just a problem with good old trust. Maybe he hasn't earned it fully, or i've been too stingy at handing it out. Either way, it's causing me grief, and making me constantly second-guess myself. Hopefully tomorrow is a better day. I'll have more things to do, friends to hang with so i can hopefully take my mind off all this. A much needed break from the grief i'm giving myself. What should one do when they have the craziest eyes. A scary thing for a girlfriend to have. Always, debs

Monday, 1 April 2013 , 10:39

⇨Old

Somehow it always seems that when I'm the busiest, I find time to relax and read things I wouldn't normally read, do artsy stuff I wouldn't normally be doing, and blog when I really should be sleeping. But I think finding tranquility in this mess that my brain is, in the form of writing is the most comforting thing, the closest thing I have to cosy, in this really sparse room in Boon Lay. Going back to basics is the best remedy to my overworked mind. The funny thing is, I'm not overworked from school reports per se. It's more like I'm in full stress mode worrying about how I can best procrastinate from doing my lab reports, currently 3 on my lap and one more from the lab tomorrow. I'm currently in this lull period between deadlines and active studying where I feel like I have absolutely nothing to do, and yet, I feel like I have so much to do, just that I am in constant denial of the lab reports and catching up on my elective's notes. Like my mum was saying the other day about doing work too early, you'll always feel you did a better job if you did the work just right at the deadline, which is always the case for me. I go to sleep thinking I've done the best I could've given the time. And yet, I realise I did have all the time I needed to hand in a first class report, but I'm lazy, and yes, sloth is a sin which I am fully aware of. Meanwhile during my procrastination, I managed to read meg frampton's blog which really got me thinking about my life and where it's going from here. Sure I've got most of it planned out, but all the what if's are just clinging to the air above my head, determined to not let to just let. What if I got married and settled down, always wondering if there's more to life than I could ever dream of. Maybe somewhere where my degree would never take me. What if.. I could enjoy what I do everyday. Who doesn't dream of waking up to the bright sunshine, eager to start work for the new day, and enjoying every single moment of it. Somehow I think it's not really in the horizon for me. What if in the midst if this mad chase to get into a local uni has somehow dampened my ideal of becoming a scientist, or at least a diagnostics technician. Not my ideal, but I'm settling, because I think I've found the one person who I'm not gonna settle for in life, but be with because I want to. And for now, that's enough for me. No doubt too, I'd like to be like meg, traveling, playing my guitar and doing what I love. Baking and creating things bring joy into your life, knowing you'd touch people and help them through life. A first what I wanted to be sounded so enticing, thinking I'd be a great help to people and stuff, but things don't always work out. But I'll settle for now, till I know what I do want out of life. Because even though I'm so averse to traveling, (because ever since I learnt how to drive, I can hardly trust other people's driving, besides those of a few select people including my mum), I do want to travel and find things I haven't seen or experienced before. I do want to try a stint overseas, to know what it feels to be alone without my parents to rely on, and to have a chance to grow up and mature into someone I can be proud of. Although I know it can be scary and I am actually really afraid, I feel like its something I need to do, like a coming of age. Before I end of, here's a small snippet from www.chandlertherobot.com So many lives and experiences swirling together and meeting at a moment in time in a new foreign land. My past. Their past. My future. Their future. Our time. We are always almost crashing. Because we are, always almost crashing. Always, debs

Friday, 29 March 2013 , 04:35

⇨Always second

okay well, not always, but sometimes i do wonder whether i could settle being second in someone else's life priorities. Cos i don't know. maybe i could be sitting round waiting for marriage to change things, but some things die hard, and maybe i'll never be put first. maybe i'll never come first. i don't think i could settle.

Thursday, 6 October 2011 , 01:25

Today, Steve Jobs died of pancreatic cancer. Somehow his death seems to be more noteworthy than MIcheal Jackson”s or Amy Winehouse. He seemed real. And I remember clearly it was him who convinced me to change my course of study (and possibly future). Well, okay, it’s not like he sat next to me and told me or anything, so more accurately; it was something he said, coming, most ironically, from one of my GP assignments. “Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma - which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of other's opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.”
Anyhow, my life has become more interesting of late. My motto is that if things are as bad as they can get, they can only get better. Seeing as my leg hurts like crazy most of the time and sometimes I’m bored to death, while other times I’m working past (typical) working hours, I’m thinking that my life can only get better. Well, most of the time I have fun, getting more comfortable in this new environment and with the circle line opening next week, my life is surely getting better! But as all things in life, some give and take needs to happen. For someone who doesn’t adapt to change particularly well, I’m handling.
On a more serious note, my Achilles hurts like a bitch. It’s a chain reaction. (The Chain of Screaming, WHAT UP!) Yea but anyway, it’s all cos of my new flats which I had to get out of obligation for work. So now I got some heel pads which I’m wearing in hopes of easing the pain, which I have to say hardly helped this morning, after I stood on the red line train, which only made it swell worse. Ice treatment helps though. And my bed is my haven. Somehow when I get on it, the pain disappears. Oh and talking about my bed, I got new blinds yesterday! They’re grey, like my wall, and looks like my room has an empty stretch of wall when it’s down. Finally I can peacefully sleep in on Saturday mornings.
Yesterday, mummy was stressing about what to wear for her school’s Children’s Day celebration today. In the end, with the help of Dawn’s wig and my expertise (no, really), we decided on a long skirt (Mummy cheats) and an indigo turtle-neck blouse, so when Mummy wears it today, she’ll be unrecognisable and she can sing “Hero” to her heart’s content. It was lotsa fun! Glad I didn’t go hide with my com again. Not like I have anything to do on it.
By the way, my results ROCK
Happy Thursday.

Friday, 18 February 2011 , 10:00

⇨When life gives me lemons...

i.... use the rind to make cake?

recently my life has been boring and stressful at the same time. i know i need to study harder or i'll never pull my grades up (taking it verbatim from wh: don't expect your grades to improve if you put in the same amt of effort as the last time) wonder how many times i've heard it. but anyway, my new 'inspiration' of sorts has come from a self-help book (i think?) called the 7 habits of effective teens. oh the title never fails to make me feel older. Come next year i'll be out of my teens! oh well, better late than never! i've come to realise that my life is like a sims character. i need a nice planner ( which i will get....soon), the book has made me ponder about life, and it has helped to change my perspective of life, somewhat. i've never really believed in these books before, and i always thought they were all meaningless and all the same,nagging at me to live my life in a certain way. but after starting on this book, i realise how it addresses common, yet veryimportant aspects of life. maybe i'll soon become a new and improved me? hahaha!
i've been sick for the past month i've been super sicko. somehow everything's not going away! especially the tonsil pains and late night gastrics. wish i knew what was happening in my body. and today i went for a past year paper revision thing for med micro and i was sniffing and coughing away. ironic much? well, i do hope i get well soon. even doing the immuno paper last week with my horrendous cold was hard enough. okay gotta sleep now. one of my eyes is red ): how did it happen! my body is breaking down! i haven't been that bad to it.... have i?
bleargh..

lucky me, im not in the same class as ..... next sem. new and improved me or not, i'll still hate.

Always, debs

Tuesday, 8 February 2011 , 09:18

⇨Flashbacks

everything that has been happening around me now, like Deanna getting into jc and me, studying for my final papers for year 2 (time pasts so fast!), has got me thinking about jc times again. Sometimes i do regret leaving. I miss my friends the most, 3 people from my class who i was the closest to during my time there. and of course my bowling friends, and also all of IG12. Comparing deanna's orientation experiences and mine, I realise how much fun i had and how many good friends i made. And it always makes me wonder what life would have been if i hadn't come to poly. Then again, i wouldn't have the friends i have now. I just hope that deanna will also be able to cherish the time she has in jc.

Thinking about all this is making me more alert! I have to sleep to continue studying tomorrow ): Life is so confusing. I wish i had some answers. Wish i had people to confide in, but now even finding time to talk is close to impossible. Sem 2 has been so hectic, i hardly even went out once. Havent seen Mich and Nessa and Gen in AGESSS, much less been able to talk to them. Miss themm ):

Over the weekend i realised i don't know what i wanna do after graduating from poly. Mummy's friend asked me over the weekend, when i went to one of their houses. What do i intend to do after poly? It was then i realised i didn't know what course i wanted to pursue in uni. This reminds me. I'm gonna look something up now (:

Okay im lazy to wait till i search for something to post this, so i'll just wrap up now. tmr will be a long gruelling day of studying for final papers next week. wish me luck! Goodnight!

Always, debs

Sunday, 30 January 2011 , 10:36

⇨2 in the morning

and i'm still not asleep. I cant get to sleep cos of all the thinking i've been doing. Maybe i've become an owl of sorts. This morning in church i could hardly stay awake, even though i slept about 7 hours. Must have been the insane shopping on saturday. Insane not cos i bought many things, but cos mummy wanted us to buy stuff faster so we could go home. But all the same, we ended up taking about 5 hours. Yet i didn't get any shoessss ):

the last time i posted was during my last break. Eek. Eons ago. Between then and now, it has been non-stop work. Lab reports, projects, tutorials, ptech random questions during lecture. And stressing over not understanding ptech at all... And presentations. Even though there's no use in me saying this: i wish i didnt have to do another oral presentation in my life. who doesn't wanna shop for shoes all day?

Sunday is SUCH a rainy day. I don't think it stopped raining at all. But then its good for sleeping! If only i could. Wet days make me feel all runny and weak. Rain rain go away. Chinese new year is coming. Sooo excited! So many things im gonna be able to eat. But for now, i'm coughing so much. Im almost certain my organs are damaged. Ugh.

Goodnight everyone, i need to go all the way to school tmr morning to hand in the ptech report )):

always, debs